A Monkey-Free Post
So, I had intended on posting a pictures of the toothless Cocoa (even had the picture all sized up, etc). And I thought I had sent the picture to my email account (my laptop had to be sent off again to Gateway so I figured I'd get the pic from my email and post it from another computer or while at work). Well, apparently I didn't actually send it to myself. I have no idea where that picture is other than stored on my laptop hard drive which is currently sitting on the filing cabinet next to the TV (just the hard drive - the laptop is in South Dakota or wherever Gateway's service center is).
So, instead of Cocoa pictures and updates (though she is doing great, thanks for asking), I bring you job funnies:
What The New Job-Lingo Means
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around. [Ah, so true.]
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left. [I feel like this one now!]
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. [Easier said than done - 1 year later and I still can't figure it out.]
Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...
1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. [This one kills me and just might be my favorite.]
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
7. 2 days without a human rights violation.
8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" [Some days I'm not so sure]
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
14. Plagiarism saves time.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
So, instead of Cocoa pictures and updates (though she is doing great, thanks for asking), I bring you job funnies:
What The New Job-Lingo Means
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around. [Ah, so true.]
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left. [I feel like this one now!]
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. [Easier said than done - 1 year later and I still can't figure it out.]
Inspirational Phrases You Will Never Hear At Work...
1. There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
2. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. [This one kills me and just might be my favorite.]
3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
4. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
5. If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
6. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
7. 2 days without a human rights violation.
8. Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?" [Some days I'm not so sure]
9. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
10. Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
13. If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
14. Plagiarism saves time.
15. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
posted by Amanda at
11:30 AM
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